Do not resuscitate

On point Smudge 😆

Using the Defibrillator

Joke: A Scottish Priest

What too soon?

Joke: A Scotsman at the Dentist

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

"Och! huv ye nay got onythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use ony anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?

PS: I had been meaning to post this one for ages but kept forgetting. My sense of humour lol. Take me any where twice. Second time to apologize.  😂😁

Indian Curry Rhapsody

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh




Now this will be stuck in your head all day 😆😂😁

The Meaty Bites diet

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman... why else would I buy dog food??

The New Taxi Driver: Joke

The Spittoon Joke; Ultimate In Gross

Alrighty! I was after the ultimate gross out joke that I could find, and this one rings the bell. I recall my dad telling me this one as a kid and I was dry heaving at it. I didn't even read through this as it makes me ill, lol. Just a fast cut 'n paste to put it on here.


These two guys were sitting in a bar that had a spittoon.  The spittoon
was filled almost to the brim with old tobacco juice, phlegm, and other
refuse/secretions.  After a few, one guy says to the other, "I'll give
you $100 if you take a sip from that spittoon."  The other guy
immediately grabs the spittoon and, lifting it to his lips, takes a
healthy slug.  "All right, you win," says the first guy, but his
friend keeps gulping down the goop pouring out of the spittoon.
"Please stop, you're making me sick," says the first guy, but his
friend keeps chugging the phlegm.  "I can't stand it, I'll give you
another $100 if you stop!"

Finally, the spittoon is empty, and the guy puts it down and belches.
"Why didn't you stop" asks his disgusted friend?  "I tried to, but it
was all one piece!"

Join the Resistance!

Too funny not to share

Bottoms up! hic

Clowns: joke

Pregnant at 71 joke

 

 

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, 

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

FLOWER DELIVERY JOKE

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."  The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.' ''

Thoughtful Scottish husband....

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.....

Drunk Irishman

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course,

his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So,"says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well, "says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,

"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

JOKE; Show him your Badge

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

Blonde Joke

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
 "I think it's having a nervous breakdown," she tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and; says, "It seems calm enough to me."
 The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"


A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"
 She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Two blondes find 3 grenades, & they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 The other says, "We'll lie & say we only found two."


 A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
 Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
 She does, but 2 weeks later the dog is still missing.
 "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
 "Here boy!" she replies.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Jackeroo from  Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . . . .

'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Joke: Sympathy Aussie Style

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE